if i had a nickel

if i had a nickel for everytime i saw young man or woman that looked like but did not look like i on the corner sipping
box wine and looking for the next line of coke to sniff or
weed to roll into a spliff these
once potentially ivy-bound and now
concrete strapped misfits don't get that the way to survive in the ghetto is to
get out
get up
do something to make you and your own different
because i cannot consciously sit on my stoop and look at you and you and you
the never-will's of who's who
have even a subliminal influence on my nephew who isn't yet to be two
years make your excuses old
the stories of racism and profiling are well-known and while certainly not
dispelled as myth are
things that we must accept as other people's ignorance and resolve ourselves to change in a new movement
otherwise the
sitting and sulking on the hot block where the cop on the beat knows your name and the street on which you live
is just
not
it.

like father, like me

the thought of him being gone frightens me
scared stiff and straight before the news even hits
i grow pensive and introverted the the rest of life's squabbles
what and where will i be without his presence in my life?
tall, dark, and wise
never have his words or his love steered me wrong
days when we don't speak i wonder where he is
what's he's doing and what show he is watching on television
what new health kick he's on or what political conspiracy he has subscribed to in the last few hours
i crave hearing his voice
his deep laugh
being told one of his dry, yet completely hilarious jokes
i see myself in the image of him
mirror reflective of his greatness
his dexterity and kindness stretched far and wide
made in his likeness
my grandfather is the representation of a life of service.
humanly flawed
divinely placed
he stands tall in the face of all i have ever seen
combatting the world's inadequacies with intelligence, wit, and logic
will he be able to battle this with the same strength?
can he?
i fear it's nearing his alleged 'time'
that 'time' that people speak of post-exit in an effort to ease a pain that simply
well
cannot be eased.
the thought of him suffering makes me nauseous
wanting to transfer his ailments to my own earthly limbs
preserving god's soldier for another to experience
the world will never be able to explain to me why bad things happen to good people
why good things happen to those unexpected
and why everything else just
just is.
his walk
his hugs
his smile
i paint his essence in my heart to breath life into my days
but know that paint can never replace the original
the original
never imitated
never replaced
i can only pray for good news
i can only pray for more time
i can only pray that i've showed and told him enough times how i feel.
what if prayer simply isn't enough?

to clarify any potential confusion

you may have noticed that there are several posts of poems and other creative pieces with dates that predate today, which is when i started this blog.

that is because, little by little, i am moving over some of my favorite works from my old blog and i wanted to stay true to the dates that they were written. newcomers - please check out the work and let me know what you think!

riding dolo

i want support in the same way that i dish it and
want to feel like when we kick it we can just kick it without any bullshit because
i love you and don't love it and for some reason my silence is not as legit as yours
it gives you
pause for frustration that isn't intentional yet
when i express the same sentiment your response is detrimental
to our
health
there is so much wealth in happiness and i want us to roll around filthy in it
spend time together loving and laughing and
just being us
the way we were and the way i know we still are but there are so many superfluous things standing in between the us and the view of that
but i'm resilient
despite my cries and sometimes whines
i'm stronger than people like to admit
and when i told you that i am committed
i am
so until things subside and this constructed divide crumbles
i'll just continue to tell you i love you
to show you i love you
to care for you and look out for you the way loved ones do
and soon you, too, will realize
that what's good for you is good for me too
that i have bad moments and days like you do
and that the playing field is equal betwixt and between moods
i just ask for more understanding because
i'm not as brush-off-your-shoulders and hardened as you
and every day i put more effort into walking tall beside you
i try so hard to provide for you and for us and to muster together the energy to always be what you want and need for me to be
but i need encouragement from you, too
and i want to feel like you care as much as i do about understanding and supporting me because
i'm human, too
so human
and i don't want to shirk away
i don't want to stay away
i want to create a way for us to have the life we deserve
until your luck turns to meet me halfway
and then we can
together
as partners
conquer everything that seeks to conquer us first.

Making the big move!

After years of having a blog located at http://www.xanga.com/skytrox , I have decided that, with a new year in the bag (my birthday is fast approaching on the 13th), it's time for a new web address!

Stay tuned as I begin to move some of my poetry and spoken word pieces over to this new location.

covergirl concealer

my world is so muttered with misconception
mangled with the idea that things can stay the same without other things moving forward and that
the things that should be moving forward can either stay stagnant or moonwalk back when
in fact
that is the biggest misconception of them all
you see
love tends to defy all categories
mystify the logical senses in a way that creates a safety bubble around preexisting and current trangressions but when
even that love is pushed to its limits it begins to shift into panic room mode and look within
or with out with a pen
to examine what ought to be happening
to love hard is without control
but the manner in which that love is disseminated certainly has its limits
it can't see-saw to one side and survive
it needs to toggle back and forth otherwise the game is not worth playing at all
and what's more is
those cards that you've tried so hard to stack into a house will fall
and the mess is hard to rebuild
as you know
outpouring of helping hands and hearts still have not rebuilt the ruins of katrina
and they had outside help
this is a private affair
for private eyes and private ears but
will get nowhere if the message isn't clear on both ends even
seething and walking away helps nothing
pervasive frustrations mold and spread
damp with stubborn stares and the revamping of bad past habits
stemming from the need to be harshly defensive to survive
i am not her or him or them and i do not operate well under stares and shut-downs
solitary moments of silence that only seek to deliver uncertainty in a time where that is the ultimate last ingredient that should be added to the recipe
it doesn't need to be stringent but it should be based in compromise
the basis of our lives likely depends on it
feeling eyes that look without faith or hope or help or care
that i know used to be there but seems to be waning with the moonlight
i crave their return but fear i am in an important conversation to save something
by myself.

farewell, five letters

i say it when i know i should because i never want to feel like i didn't and missed the time to reconcile the moment
won't it
make things a little easier once the air is cleared
to say the letters five
loud and clear
especially when it's not fair to expect the same and remain silent?
i can do and do and do and then
somewhere amidst the do's
commit one don't
and the walls fall
all stands still until i utter those words into the air and then
even then
sometimes it still doesn't make ends meet again.
my heart's beats cease when all that i feel and am and do gets defeated by some meaningless assumption deep-seated in your brain
in vain
i often remain silent because to 'defend' myself is worthless in the eyes of the defeated
sometimes i love so hard it hurts
and i give until i bleed
and all i really want in return is to feel like
at the end of the day
i've satisfied the person that means the world to me
i say five letters because i mean them
because i never want to live my last breath feeling like someone didn't know i was bigger
and better than to be five letters less
less the pride and the gumption to refuse to
i say the five letters because sometimes
it's worth the word over anguish
the word of worry
the word over...
over the end.
i'm sorry
are you?