just listen...

i know i never thought that i would turn around and rap/ one of those songs that's usually reserved to cats/ come from nothing and then made something from nothing and then could feed the fam and buy some land to build a house on the sand/ in one breath/ because i knew that i had more than that/ and only crack from growing up was the cracks put in my back/ from the stacks of stacks of crap/ i dealt with/ and fuck that/ that shit ain't worthy for a soundoff/ that/ shit is irrelevant to other people's struggles but truth is/ that those cracks in my back/ is study crackin'/ got me ready to go out packing just to see how people reacting/ just to see/ if i could make shit happen/ that ain't never before/ 'cuz 'hind close doors/ i done been through some wars/ and my story is different from those other cats/ still i can't relax/ stay keepin' eyes on my head/ but in the back/ in fact/ i gotta keep'em on the side too/ 'cuz you know how snakes do/ look away once and the whole crew's out to screw you/ the shit's too/ 's that 'cuz i go 'round packing pends instead of pistols/ missions instead of magnums/ they think that i won't react/ but like you/ i got shit to do/ make moves like moves do/ shake off/ those who pursue me/ instead of they dreams/ gotta stay focused/ done seen enough doublewides on the countryside/ i'm tryin' to get mine/ and spend my weekends on the countryside/ cruisin' on boats with no shoes 'n' just doin' it how we do/ and it's true/ i ain't had to struggle much/ but that shit looks so really tough that i ain't tryin' to go there/ just so you know this ain't no bluff/ this is real what i speak/ i pray to god that i never grow weak/ bend on my knees to the cowards who constantly haunting me/ in my dreams/ i know they want to get at me/ but the real story is/ that they just want to be like me/ baggy jeans, cap, confident/ still respected by corporate g's/ overseas/ and it seems/ my confidence is threat-en-ing/ despite the fact that i do whatever i can so they succeed/ real talk/ i can't have what you have 'cuz you don't have it/ so your automatic weapon is to fucking call me a faggot/ you's a ho/ no mo'/ will i cry and bend backs for you/ you a worm and finding worms in my food ain't really cool/ what the fuck you want me to do?/ sit still and stagnant like you?/ fuck up in school?/ talk 'bout my friends 'hind closed doors like they some fools?/ swear i been through it/ the shit is/ is to recognize the realities of the situations that you are facing/ for what they are/ i gotta go far/ 'cuz if i don't then i'll be stuck here/ and i swear/ that i don't think i can be stuck here another year/ watchin' dudes in desperation/ indifferent to their situations/ lacking motivation/ they live with their parents and watch music videos for inspiration/ my brother manny duels with age 20 in december/ but his visions ain't getting bigger because he thinks he's reached his peak at the GED/ streets is mean, little man/ i don't tell you to do college simply for knowledge/ i tell you so when you apply for that job they don't throw your app in the garbage/ and trust/ i wish the world was really different/ but aunt patricia died young in the pj's/ worked hard for many years yet still had roaches in the kitchen/ just listen/ if for a second to my words/ i scream loud and am never heard/ i wage world wars on my fears/ of my thoughts on this track/ just listen/ blood, sweat, and tears while on this earth/ don't look back/ and just listen/ just listen...

dear you

dear you,

there are so many things that i would love to say to you but that i always prevent myself from verbalizing. i try to set my pride aside in hopes that things like human decency and consideration and care for mankind will prevail but i suppose that is all too fantastical for the real world...especially since you always have something else in mind. well look you...i'm sorry that you feel that i am inadequate and several of the tasks that i perform each day. i am sorry that you feel like i take too much time and energy when i sit down to tackle matters from the office. furthermore, i am sorry that you don't like the closeness with which i pursue my friendships. it's not really something i can help. sometimes i feel like it is a gift and a curse. i care too much and i get hurt...but somehow it's always you who ends up frustrated and angry and it's always you who gets the sympathy and reaps the positive benefits in the end. go figure. i'm sorry that my schedule doesn't revolve around you. i know you would like for it to, as you feel you are the center of the universe sometimes...but it really can't. you see, i have several huge things going on in my life right now...my family is still mourning, my mother is most likely dying and still hates me but is too psychotic to show it everyday, my brother is going to be twenty years old in december and still doesn't have his life together or a life plan for that matter, my job is one huge disillusion, and my friends...well...you know how that is, don't you? you're one of them, right? in fact, you embody all of them? you are the friend that doesn't show when she is supposed to, you are the one that i reach to call when i am at my lowest point but doesn't pick up because she has better things to do, you are the one who leaves me stranded for hours before i find out you aren't showing simply because i finally picked up the phone, not you, and you are the one who talks about me being my back after asking me for a favor. well you...fuck you. fuck you for fucking me up. fuck you for fucking me up the way you always do, the way i let you, because you're you. you digust me. i know, i deserve it, right? that's why you fuck me over so often? that's why you have had me numb the last couple of weeks...until this post? numb is a weird not-feeling. it kind of leaves you stranded in dead space, staring, wishing, wondering, thinking...about blank. that's what it's like to feel numb. but you wouldn't know that feeling, would you? no. because you are always on top of the world. you live there, in your perfect bubble, where everything that goes wrong gets deflected onto me, right? it's funny. you know what really bugs me about you? it's that you never even think you've done anything wrong. you live in your world in your bubble and i know you know i am upset and hurting and you continue to exist peacefully, uninterrupted. maybe i wish i was you for that. but, unfortunately, i am not. occassionally, when i slip out of the numb state, i still feel. and i often feel this stinging pain. it creeps from my core through my soul and then stops at my heart right before it travels to my eyes where it makes its way out for all to see and shame me with. damn. the power you have. you get to do whatever you want, say whatever you want, have people dote on you whenever you want, without any return or consequence. wow. but i'm the bad guy. i'm the bad guy. that's what i've been told all of my life. i'm this big and bad and horrible person who comes into people's lives and does more harm than good, right? so why does god even keep me here? why shouldn't i just leave? what good am i? can you answer that for me? you seem to have all of the answers. at least that's what you want me to believe. truth is...i never like to hurt anyone. i have this love inside of me that i was always forced to keep silent. a love that i used to get yelled at and cursed at and sent to my room for showing. no emotion. no fear. no weakness. but that love still stayed. it still lived. and the tough exterior that i am pegged to have? it's just that. exterior. i'm soft to touch on the inside. all i have ever wanted were safe venues to express that love. i just want to love. i know what it was like to grow up never saying i love you until you were thirteen. thirteen. thirteen years old. thirteen years keeping that inside. if i've ever told you i loved you, i meant it. it isn't something i take lightly. but you trample on that every chance you get, don't you? sometimes i just want to see you, chill, talk to you, hear your voice, just to know that things aren't so bad. but you can't even do that. it's too difficult for you...and again, there's this whole schedule thing. i just don't fit in. well...i don't know if there is much i can do about that. i pray a lot. i find that it is relaxing and yet i still find myself searching. god does everything for a reason so i just want to know what the reason is for all of this. the one person to recently cry for me, to express her love for me unsolicited, to say she was proud of me...proud...died. is that a sign? please tell me so i can take it. tell me what it means. do you know? you think you're god, so you should. humans should be so lucky. well i don't want to waste anymore of your time that is so clearly a hassle for you to spend on me most of the time. i'm sure to end my letter to you this way will seem weak but it's truly how i feel and what is at the forefront of my brain right now...

i still love you...it just hurts when i realize it.

"accident" and "lift every voice"

accident

do you really think today is an accident?
methodical madness
distributed by the tall men in suit jackets
made to trap the blacks and other coloreds back in triangular trade maps
contemporary colonialism concocted on cushy cruise ships
operated by so-called misfits who aren't quick-witted enough to get lifted?
crafted by the minds of those too insecure to eliminate those different from them?
diversity digs deep at the core of this mentality that only gets sidetracked by the remembrance of humanity
dedication to division that seeks to reaffirm certain historical inequities between you and me
and him and i
mutual ties to the land do not mitigate ingrained stereotypes in the mind's eye
but it's an accident?
not something hatched in the white house basement?
coveted as if in encasement?
screw 'their' enragement
we will continue engagement with this
accident?
hell-sent
meant to harp on the inherent frustrations of those on the recieving end
and then
through coersive doctrine
it becomes apparent
that this 'misfortune'
is no accident
but a plan mislabeled democracy.

--

lift every voice and sing
louder and prouder than the ones that came before
make sure that
scores and scores more of us make progressive noise
for OUR boys
do it to make earth and heaven ring bells of freedom that were muffled by ignorance
bells of
strength and solidarity
power and prestige
exemplifying a pristine knowledge of self
knowledge that rings with harmonies of
liberty and longevity
livelihood and lamprophony
let our rejoicing rise
as high as the listening skies
but make sure those on earth keep ears and eyes wide open
as it resounds loud as the rolling sea that
carried us here and wouldn't bring us back
strapped with bassinets to insure delivery of product
the same
rolling sea that stacked you and me and he and she on top of each other in an overcrowded bunker to maximize profit
well
fuck that sea and fuck that ship
the sea can roll away and roll that slaveship away with it
because now we

sing a song
full of the faith that the dark past has taught us
we
sing a song
full of the hope that the present has brought us
we
sing songs whose rhythms and words brought on stares from massa and got our ancestors kicked out of the big house even faster than the melodies could leave their lips
songs that caused whippings and warfare
paving the roads for underground airfare

facing the rising sun of our new day begun
one by one
not to outdone or
undone
by any one hired gun from our nation's favorite son
let us march on
till victory is won.

death

what is it like to watch someone die
lifeless laying lacking energy to speak
eating is a task for the weak who feel without
the same strength and provisions that were her only life mission
what is it like to watch someone die
to look straight into their eyes
and see the pain of their demise
to cry and cry and cry
and know that
in the end
her soul will simply have to rise
what is it like to watch someone die
to know that you are helpless
couldn't give her your own life if you tried
hands tied behind your back
that stares at the wall
tall and cold
behold the future
without her touch once more

untitled

diamonds are blinding
used as attempts to escape that which
prevails
in society
despite all of the
hating and haters
hate from those irate by their own unfortunate states
of the union
divided and conquered
by republicans and democrats
who stare back at the very communities from which elected
suspected of corruption but ultimately receive no power disruption
the bushes disguise the bush business
called democracy
that resides at 1600
the capitol unravels at the seams
and yet it seems
we still find ourselves jaded from action
proactive only to our own personal plights
taking hidden delight in the stagnant state of life
in a world where
complaints and stares
replace votes and phone calls
millions upon millions marching along the washington mall
united we stand but divided we
fall from grace in the face of adversity
believe that we
can save
in someone's lifetime
even if not our own
learn to breathe what we allegedly believe
using words written our senior
holy and human
as guides
but still read between the lines
in time
you may find
people quoting you instead of quoting someone else's
lines of people
blank faces and hopelessness
drives dissolving in the american dream
from coal to diamond
from diamond to glare
beware
of the difference between
ignorance and incidental insulation.

spiritual path

fired fury runs thick through the veins of my being
waiting
wondering
envisioning
the lie that is your soul
you sit
feverishly
amidst a sea of empty promises and promiscuity
that radiates from your existence
and still
you present yourself tall
and proud
judgmental
and unrelenting
i'm done wishing
you were someone that you never will be
so daring
you pass misappropriated condemnation upon my fascination with the misfortune and broken path you are facing
because you cannot feel
me?
or is it
because you would like to
and can't
that you make me feel subhuman
stripping the ringlets of pride and confidence that took so long to grow
so fast away
in one eye
blink
twice
you did this
now three
you've pushed it
yet somehow
i still blame me
you phony prophesizer
touting religion with a faltered vision of your own vision and path so you turn the tables on
me?
you
are unhealthy
for your own spiritual path
so i must laugh
since you'd rather funnel your insecurity on
me?
i let you in
and you exited out
in one breath
taking a piece of my heart that i never truly thought you capable of
and again
yet still
i somehow feel as if
this is one large nightmare of a dream
meant to provide one hell of a mean week
i suppose
i simply have yet to let it seap
in
me?
you
hurt me with no emotion
coasting on the guidance of others
conducting a business call with my vulnerability
how does it feel
to know you
in the end
obstruct
your own
spiritual path
more
than any of we?

prototype

the warmth that the heart brings
sings clear in the air
midnight
without fright
i extend my place to thee
heart open
pierced in perfect places
perfect faces seem to erase the lacerations
still pacing
still waiting
for the ultimate level of clarity
are you mad at me?
too blind to see
the answer
replies are empty
now it's simply
games of waiting
taking time to look at the situation
pace pacing again
my heart erasing again
holes that control my soul
cold
old abrasions
not quite sold
on reconciliation
needs and desires confirmed
but unattainable
isn't it insane to you
to lose
the very thing that we've been working to prove?
through thick and thin
troubles and worries
ditches and hurdles
know that i never stay unaffected
but always stay loyal and tested
tried and true
love sparked anew
can be platonic
though it's different and plain
interest remains
but without each other
we go insane
no more games
yeah other names get involved
but we share heart
the places we made
will never be the same
back in you came
don't leave again
reasons are thin
remember emerson?
remember him?
remember not only the self-reliant pen
but the one written about friends
friends, responsibility, and ends
i'm sorry it's hard
i'm sorry that you're a prototype in the light
i'm sorry you can't
i'm sorry it's not clear
clarity keeps building with the new year
but don't leave me in dark
the visions mark stark remarks
embarked on a requiem set apart
to start thoughts of inadequacy that
reveals the question mark.