Sunday, September 27, 2009

what you see is what you get - short and sweet

sometimes i fancy myself a politician on the hill stomping for the people's rights
making the laws tighter on those who abuse the elderly and small children and lighter on young people who simply don't have the influences to keep them driven for the best for themselves
and well
other times i envision myself as a wealthy entrepreneur who owns several successful restaurants, clubs, and hotels,
all modern but with traditional lines and warm color palettes
attracting a diverse clientele who
like me
are into comfort and class in the same breath
most days i am the perennial do-gooder
focusing my time and energies on those much needier than i
always remembering that my own struggles are not comparable to many others and taking that as drive to promote change one person and a time
praying that i make the world ahead just a little bit warmer and safer than mine

regardless of anything i always see myself busy
never stagnate
always moving
always changing
developing into someone bigger, better, stronger, wiser
someone publishing a different stamp on society with each wind of proactive energy that arises.

love deconstructed

i want to laugh but i can't sometimes at the things that you say or do that completely complex me and
frustrate me about the way we are and aren't and i sometimes want to discuss them but i am told that i am full of too much discussing and that you would rather do without all of the fussing but
if i bury that fussing it doesn't make it go away
nor does it make it feel okay it just puts a pretty band-aid on a potentially infected wound but
without the proper attention there is no real way to know how harmful the original blow-in-question was
surface or ...?
and your brand of humor is so different from mine that i spend lots of time adapting to and understanding the difference between when you are serious and when you are joking but the truth is that i still am often left in the dark here
and there are times when things you say really hurt badly but in fear of being labeled a nag i stay silent because to speak is to be thought the fool
at least here
and then there are the times when i am made to feel selfish or not thoughful
like i don't do enough or think of you enough or anything enough
and i want to pull my hair out with frustration because i know that i feel the same way sometimes
i feel those same things sometimes but if i say them i am mean and if you say them then they are another thing to add to the list of reasons why i am not a good...
partner in this partnership which ought to be 50/50 any way you decide to split it and that is how you illustrate that you are impeccably committed but when things feel one-sided it's hard to know that anyone has really tried
i just want us to be successful but i continue to struggle to figure out what that means and
eerily enough i feel like the end result of all of this is what will make us the strongest that the world has ever seen but
i just want that time to be soon because i need that push of hope
that glimmer of glory to sometimes wake up smiling the next morning
to remember that you are here in this like me
i eat, sleep, think, and work for us
everyminute of everyday of everyweek
and yet my integrity is called into question with the stealth checking of my personals to see what i am saying to the next one about this or that and
the land of questioning that always lies in between
but you see my public and my personal now
you've read all there is to read but i haven't
i still wonder about all of the private world that exists for you
and while temptation exists to invade what is your own i stand firm to not because i can only hope that you will one day feel the same for mine
what's crazy is that i still think of you as this divine intervention sent to me in my life at the perfect time and in the perfect place but with normal imperfections that make us us and unique
what's crazy is that i still cling to the fantasy of what i know we can be
and what keeps me sane is falling asleep next to your love
one night at a time.

Monday, September 14, 2009

"boss_has_landed" (dedication)

despite what i
let transpire
i am not some lame for hire
replicated replica of an original ass muthafucker who deserves the respect you give to another
friend, family member, or even lover
come down off that insensitive bullshit and let yourself stick with a winner who suffers losses and climbs back up the ladder for repositioning
i'm done wishing for treatment i've earned.

i'm exhausted from racking my brain to figure out why i get the short end of the stick from you but
truth dot from this spot to the next
i will do my best to question myself a little less
as I've been
giving until i can't give anymore for as long as i can remember and i
care for others the way i would hope them to do the same and
maybe that's what makes you view me as soft and lame but
He knows me different
and for every ounce of dirt thrown on my feet i grow more gritty
more wise
more immune to your misappropriated discontent

Because you made me.

though i will never let you change the few things about me on which my seldom self esteem relies
in His eyes i am forgiven for my profanity because He knows I'm angry
in His eyes he loves my speech
because it admits my faults against my commitment to the world in which i live
and in His heart
He knows i'm boss
increasingly aware of the things i must do in order to survive the flood of blows from those i know, love, and trust but to whom i am
constant, easy prey
shred with unlevel logic
less emotions
less for the faint at heart.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

"jim negro"

black man, black man
majestic beautiful glory
strong present with presence necessary
by any means
fighting an endless war of negativity and negro
negro overpowering the afro
the african
the struggling black from your neighborhood
someday we'll all be free
but when?
can i rest my head
black WOman
and sleep deep to awake to our black men still tall
still courageous
still living more than breath
more than air through gritted teeth
growing into what Medgar and Malcolm and Martin were
hero should not have a generational gap.

black man, black man
will you rise to the call now the way those before you did not hesitate to?
the way those before pushed for to their plots?
yes, you have obstacles
but so did they
chaotic and unreasonable
organized and bureaucratic
oh black man, black man
Be Negro No More!
we should antiquate the days of the Leagues with Jackie Rob
robbed we were so long of that truth
we own the night
beautiful, chocolate, caramel, cocoa-black men

why not take it?

roots of royalty entrapped in systematic shut-downs of self-esteems through relentless stereotyping
limelighting the negative instead of the
kings and queens we are
descendants of decadent empires that created culture from the ground
hit fast blood thick staining the concrete jungles we now inhabit
lives lived fast and taken faster
ruled by a history of subjugation that seeks to repeat the dirt
not the glory
the pain
not the pride
decay instead of dynasties ruling the present day of our
black man, black man
making room in the ground
for his blackened feet
sunk in the negro quicksand.

Monday, August 24, 2009

honey, you shrunk my self-esteem

although i never had particularly high self-esteem
lately i find that i have even less
stressed to the point of no return with a level of unrest that mounts in the way that violence builds in overseas war yet
at home the war burns longer
and stronger
and thicker than any i have ever known
despite my best efforts i constantly feel alone
knowing that nothing i will do will likely provide the consistency i want and need
i crave something that i'm not sure exists and yet i am persistent in its pursuit
i look into her eyes and see something worth fighting for and so
i do
but honey,
you've shrunken my self-esteem
into something mean and trivial
minute and untraceable
and again
something i want but deeply fear i may never see again
i simply find myself in a never-ending swirl of confusion with
one minute feeling like bliss
and the other feeling internally dissed and dismissed
told things that cut my soul and make it bleed tears of disappointment and dirt
that's what i feel like
that gritty grit that gets stuck under your feet
that gets swept away
that gets feverishly scrubbed off
i never thought i was 'dirty' before
i do more and more each day
i try to communicate and love and provide all in the same breath and
i know i'm human and i don't do it to perfection but i thought the lesson was in the effort
in the commitment to getting better
doesn't seem like it
sometimes i am scared in my own skin
tiptoeing through my day wondering when i will, next, be scrubbed off in lieu of cleanliness
indescribable is what it is to never know whats next
to love so hard it bleeds
to not know if its returned genuine or as a payment of perceived debt
is it to have someone you think so highly of think you are

if i had a nickel

if i had a nickel for everytime i saw young man or woman that looked like but did not look like i on the corner sipping
box wine and looking for the next line of coke to sniff or
weed to roll into a spliff these
once potentially ivy-bound and now
concrete strapped misfits don't get that the way to survive in the ghetto is to
get out
get up
do something to make you and your own different
because i cannot consciously sit on my stoop and look at you and you and you
the never-will's of who's who
have even a subliminal influence on my nephew who isn't yet to be two
years make your excuses old
the stories of racism and profiling are well-known and while certainly not
dispelled as myth are
things that we must accept as other people's ignorance and resolve ourselves to change in a new movement
otherwise the
sitting and sulking on the hot block where the cop on the beat knows your name and the street on which you live
is just

Thursday, August 6, 2009

like father, like me

the thought of him being gone frightens me
scared stiff and straight before the news even hits
i grow pensive and introverted the the rest of life's squabbles
what and where will i be without his presence in my life?
tall, dark, and wise
never have his words or his love steered me wrong
days when we don't speak i wonder where he is
what's he's doing and what show he is watching on television
what new health kick he's on or what political conspiracy he has subscribed to in the last few hours
i crave hearing his voice
his deep laugh
being told one of his dry, yet completely hilarious jokes
i see myself in the image of him
mirror reflective of his greatness
his dexterity and kindness stretched far and wide
made in his likeness
my grandfather is the representation of a life of service.
humanly flawed
divinely placed
he stands tall in the face of all i have ever seen
combatting the world's inadequacies with intelligence, wit, and logic
will he be able to battle this with the same strength?
can he?
i fear it's nearing his alleged 'time'
that 'time' that people speak of post-exit in an effort to ease a pain that simply
cannot be eased.
the thought of him suffering makes me nauseous
wanting to transfer his ailments to my own earthly limbs
preserving god's soldier for another to experience
the world will never be able to explain to me why bad things happen to good people
why good things happen to those unexpected
and why everything else just
just is.
his walk
his hugs
his smile
i paint his essence in my heart to breath life into my days
but know that paint can never replace the original
the original
never imitated
never replaced
i can only pray for good news
i can only pray for more time
i can only pray that i've showed and told him enough times how i feel.
what if prayer simply isn't enough?

Monday, August 3, 2009

to clarify any potential confusion

you may have noticed that there are several posts of poems and other creative pieces with dates that predate today, which is when i started this blog.

that is because, little by little, i am moving over some of my favorite works from my old blog and i wanted to stay true to the dates that they were written. newcomers - please check out the work and let me know what you think!

riding dolo

i want support in the same way that i dish it and
want to feel like when we kick it we can just kick it without any bullshit because
i love you and don't love it and for some reason my silence is not as legit as yours
it gives you
pause for frustration that isn't intentional yet
when i express the same sentiment your response is detrimental
to our
there is so much wealth in happiness and i want us to roll around filthy in it
spend time together loving and laughing and
just being us
the way we were and the way i know we still are but there are so many superfluous things standing in between the us and the view of that
but i'm resilient
despite my cries and sometimes whines
i'm stronger than people like to admit
and when i told you that i am committed
i am
so until things subside and this constructed divide crumbles
i'll just continue to tell you i love you
to show you i love you
to care for you and look out for you the way loved ones do
and soon you, too, will realize
that what's good for you is good for me too
that i have bad moments and days like you do
and that the playing field is equal betwixt and between moods
i just ask for more understanding because
i'm not as brush-off-your-shoulders and hardened as you
and every day i put more effort into walking tall beside you
i try so hard to provide for you and for us and to muster together the energy to always be what you want and need for me to be
but i need encouragement from you, too
and i want to feel like you care as much as i do about understanding and supporting me because
i'm human, too
so human
and i don't want to shirk away
i don't want to stay away
i want to create a way for us to have the life we deserve
until your luck turns to meet me halfway
and then we can
as partners
conquer everything that seeks to conquer us first.

Making the big move!

After years of having a blog located at , I have decided that, with a new year in the bag (my birthday is fast approaching on the 13th), it's time for a new web address!

Stay tuned as I begin to move some of my poetry and spoken word pieces over to this new location.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

covergirl concealer

my world is so muttered with misconception
mangled with the idea that things can stay the same without other things moving forward and that
the things that should be moving forward can either stay stagnant or moonwalk back when
in fact
that is the biggest misconception of them all
you see
love tends to defy all categories
mystify the logical senses in a way that creates a safety bubble around preexisting and current trangressions but when
even that love is pushed to its limits it begins to shift into panic room mode and look within
or with out with a pen
to examine what ought to be happening
to love hard is without control
but the manner in which that love is disseminated certainly has its limits
it can't see-saw to one side and survive
it needs to toggle back and forth otherwise the game is not worth playing at all
and what's more is
those cards that you've tried so hard to stack into a house will fall
and the mess is hard to rebuild
as you know
outpouring of helping hands and hearts still have not rebuilt the ruins of katrina
and they had outside help
this is a private affair
for private eyes and private ears but
will get nowhere if the message isn't clear on both ends even
seething and walking away helps nothing
pervasive frustrations mold and spread
damp with stubborn stares and the revamping of bad past habits
stemming from the need to be harshly defensive to survive
i am not her or him or them and i do not operate well under stares and shut-downs
solitary moments of silence that only seek to deliver uncertainty in a time where that is the ultimate last ingredient that should be added to the recipe
it doesn't need to be stringent but it should be based in compromise
the basis of our lives likely depends on it
feeling eyes that look without faith or hope or help or care
that i know used to be there but seems to be waning with the moonlight
i crave their return but fear i am in an important conversation to save something
by myself.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

farewell, five letters

i say it when i know i should because i never want to feel like i didn't and missed the time to reconcile the moment
won't it
make things a little easier once the air is cleared
to say the letters five
loud and clear
especially when it's not fair to expect the same and remain silent?
i can do and do and do and then
somewhere amidst the do's
commit one don't
and the walls fall
all stands still until i utter those words into the air and then
even then
sometimes it still doesn't make ends meet again.
my heart's beats cease when all that i feel and am and do gets defeated by some meaningless assumption deep-seated in your brain
in vain
i often remain silent because to 'defend' myself is worthless in the eyes of the defeated
sometimes i love so hard it hurts
and i give until i bleed
and all i really want in return is to feel like
at the end of the day
i've satisfied the person that means the world to me
i say five letters because i mean them
because i never want to live my last breath feeling like someone didn't know i was bigger
and better than to be five letters less
less the pride and the gumption to refuse to
i say the five letters because sometimes
it's worth the word over anguish
the word of worry
the word over...
over the end.
i'm sorry
are you?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Spoken Lyrics for MJ

august 29th brought a remarkable talent to life
him and 8 siblings blessed the world and the world watched, waiting
stared on at the life and strife that would insue
and you
and i
bore witness to the 7th of the bunch breath magical air into dreams
Billie Jean was not his lover but
Michael Jackson was mine.

in fact i
Remember The Time i first cried watching him perform
glittered glove glory
penny loafer-clad feet gliding across stages like the biblical travel on water
helped people make sense of the senseless surrounding
all of this in his swift steps and grace
giving faith to fans who had no other way and could only watch a young man from Gary, Indiana travel the land in grand form
earned by hard work and dedication but, above all, humility and honor
braving childhood-less beginnings and inappropriate child accusations
only to still Heal The World by stopping with the Man In The Mirror.

his reflection made me believe that there were places larger than this
people more caring than these
and causes larger than our own daily drawl
in him
i saw a distant friend to all
the definition of talent
of entertainment
of music
of humanitarianism
of heart.

his bigger gift to the world is undoubtedly his legacy of hands-on concern for mankind
talking the talk
walking the walk
dancing the dream
a son, a brother, a friend, a musician, a humanitarian, a legend
I Wanna Be Where You Are but
because of you
I will continue on here some more to Make A Change For Once In My Life
Who Am I
To Be Blind
Pretending Not To See Them Weep?

Michael Jackson was and is the unforgettable Thriller.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

cookie crumbs

i feel so
in this
sea of perpetual misunderstanding
shifty eyes meet my perception every time i choose to look in an alternate direction even
for one minute
and then in two
we go from love to leery gestures
festering anger clearly there but
from where?
needing a sense of what's what and what's more is that the more i explore my own feelings and expand the way i relate
it seems that i'm met with more frustration and...
i hope not because my love runs thicker than the beauty of the london fog and one day i hope to travel overseas together and see the clouds
just her and i
and why things are difficult i cannot quite tell when, well, i am resigned to our personalities being different
and in many ways have come to embrace all of the different tidbits
in fact, i think i'm growing from them
and learning to meet them in the middle has made me a bigger person from them
i met her
and from then
i believe everything happened for a reason
but i cannot continue to feel like i am causing misery in a person who i value as much more than a friend
everything within her i need
i flourish on the things that challenge our existence
i just want to feel like i'm in this to win this with another winner
and not someone who is quick to judge and throw in the proverbial towel
my head and my heart cannot stand the thought of you being unfulfilled in my presence
because the essence of what i think we have and what i want us to be means something bigger and better
but i don't know if i'll ever know the real because the phony facade of happiness that reads complacency is far from transparent
i want you
and i need you
and i'm changing and growing
but today
and yesterday
i wonder if it's enough.