Sunday, September 27, 2009

love deconstructed

i want to laugh but i can't sometimes at the things that you say or do that completely complex me and
frustrate me about the way we are and aren't and i sometimes want to discuss them but i am told that i am full of too much discussing and that you would rather do without all of the fussing but
if i bury that fussing it doesn't make it go away
nor does it make it feel okay it just puts a pretty band-aid on a potentially infected wound but
without the proper attention there is no real way to know how harmful the original blow-in-question was
surface or ...?
and your brand of humor is so different from mine that i spend lots of time adapting to and understanding the difference between when you are serious and when you are joking but the truth is that i still am often left in the dark here
and there are times when things you say really hurt badly but in fear of being labeled a nag i stay silent because to speak is to be thought the fool
at least here
and then there are the times when i am made to feel selfish or not thoughful
like i don't do enough or think of you enough or anything enough
and i want to pull my hair out with frustration because i know that i feel the same way sometimes
i feel those same things sometimes but if i say them i am mean and if you say them then they are another thing to add to the list of reasons why i am not a good...
partner in this partnership which ought to be 50/50 any way you decide to split it and that is how you illustrate that you are impeccably committed but when things feel one-sided it's hard to know that anyone has really tried
i just want us to be successful but i continue to struggle to figure out what that means and
eerily enough i feel like the end result of all of this is what will make us the strongest that the world has ever seen but
i just want that time to be soon because i need that push of hope
that glimmer of glory to sometimes wake up smiling the next morning
to remember that you are here in this like me
i eat, sleep, think, and work for us
everyminute of everyday of everyweek
and yet my integrity is called into question with the stealth checking of my personals to see what i am saying to the next one about this or that and
the land of questioning that always lies in between
but you see my public and my personal now
you've read all there is to read but i haven't
i still wonder about all of the private world that exists for you
and while temptation exists to invade what is your own i stand firm to not because i can only hope that you will one day feel the same for mine
what's crazy is that i still think of you as this divine intervention sent to me in my life at the perfect time and in the perfect place but with normal imperfections that make us us and unique
what's crazy is that i still cling to the fantasy of what i know we can be
and what keeps me sane is falling asleep next to your love
one night at a time.

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